Unlocking

C says he’s seen me cry more in the past month than I have in the past year. I express genuine puzzlement, because I feel better than I ever have before. 

It’s just that sometimes I have these jabs of loss, like I’m waking up from a dream where everyone I know is still alive. 

He says that it’s probably because things are good that I’m feeling this way now. Now that I no longer have to protect myself, I can feel. He describes my former state as icy, and I must admit that at times I do feel as if I am melting.

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What I’ve Learned

I’ve been at the new job for just over a month, and I’ve learned so much.

For example, I’ve learned about the kind ways that commuters look out for each other. A request that the driver open to back door of a bus for one person can travel through multiple mouths until the message is received, and a message from the driver can travel back just as quickly. I learned that a contents of a split backpack can be scooped up and restored to the owner in seconds when three people jump to help. And even though it’s been just over a month, I feel at home where I am and where the bus takes me. This is a byproduct of privilege as surely as the cheap rent in the walk-up in which I reside. 

I’ve also learned how Seattle looks in the morning when the sun is rising, and in the evening when it’s setting. I’ve witness gold-drenched buildings set in hot pink skies and I experience every morning and evening as a true gift. 

These are some of the things I choose to focus on as I move through my day, and I feel rather happy in them.

Transportation: My First Week

This afternoon marks the first full week of my new job. I did not think I’d care whether I worked downtown, and I dreaded the change from driving myself to public transportation.

Having quickly fallen in love with the PNW while visiting, I just as quickly fell out of love once we’d moved. I felt that the local inhabitants were snobby and standoffish, and I lived my life north of downtown which made going into town seem like an expensive hassle. I deeply regretted the move for the first several months, and only recently had I begun to grudgingly accept it.

However, working downtown and taking the bus has changed everything. I am constantly reminded of why I wanted to move here in the first place. I have loved watching the autumn colors deepen from the office windows as much as I am heartened by seeing familiar faces each day. By and large the bus drivers have been friendly and helpful, and I look forward to watching downtown move around me every morning and afternoon. My new co-workers are professional and knowledgeable, as well as good humored.

I feel incredibly blessed by my new circumstances, but moreover, that I have had the experiences I have had so that I know how very lucky I am.