C says he’s seen me cry more in the past month than I have in the past year. I express genuine puzzlement, because I feel better than I ever have before.
It’s just that sometimes I have these jabs of loss, like I’m waking up from a dream where everyone I know is still alive.
He says that it’s probably because things are good that I’m feeling this way now. Now that I no longer have to protect myself, I can feel. He describes my former state as icy, and I must admit that at times I do feel as if I am melting.
I’ve been at the new job for just over a month, and I’ve learned so much.
For example, I’ve learned about the kind ways that commuters look out for each other. A request that the driver open to back door of a bus for one person can travel through multiple mouths until the message is received, and a message from the driver can travel back just as quickly. I learned that a contents of a split backpack can be scooped up and restored to the owner in seconds when three people jump to help. And even though it’s been just over a month, I feel at home where I am and where the bus takes me. This is a byproduct of privilege as surely as the cheap rent in the walk-up in which I reside.
I’ve also learned how Seattle looks in the morning when the sun is rising, and in the evening when it’s setting. I’ve witness gold-drenched buildings set in hot pink skies and I experience every morning and evening as a true gift.
These are some of the things I choose to focus on as I move through my day, and I feel rather happy in them.
This afternoon marks the first full week of my new job. I did not think I’d care whether I worked downtown, and I dreaded the change from driving myself to public transportation.
Having quickly fallen in love with the PNW while visiting, I just as quickly fell out of love once we’d moved. I felt that the local inhabitants were snobby and standoffish, and I lived my life north of downtown which made going into town seem like an expensive hassle. I deeply regretted the move for the first several months, and only recently had I begun to grudgingly accept it.
However, working downtown and taking the bus has changed everything. I am constantly reminded of why I wanted to move here in the first place. I have loved watching the autumn colors deepen from the office windows as much as I am heartened by seeing familiar faces each day. By and large the bus drivers have been friendly and helpful, and I look forward to watching downtown move around me every morning and afternoon. My new co-workers are professional and knowledgeable, as well as good humored.
I feel incredibly blessed by my new circumstances, but moreover, that I have had the experiences I have had so that I know how very lucky I am.
This morning was really lovely. The autumn air was cool without the stinging cold of winter. Last night’s rain made everything smell clean and new. Bundled up in my coat and boots and waiting for the bus, I thought, “if this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”