I’ve been working a lot on myself lately, trying to trace and tackle the roots of my anxiety and prune the log-like branches of my oversized guilt. So, here’s me, loving my limitations through reaching out, speaking truth, and making something (even if it’s just words on a screen).
The Washington state Democratic caucus is this morning, and as much as I’d prefer a Party Candidate Sanders, I’m not going. Even if I wasn’t having the worst menstrual symptoms I’ve had in years, things out there are getting heated in a way that make my already lukewarm investment in electoral politics turn into a cold, wet anxiety. The thought of putting on a public face, getting myself downtown, and standing in a crowd fully connects the circuitry that switches on the heat-lamp-like ray of a tension headache that spreads from my jaw to temple as it slowly warms.
I have always had a difficult time connecting to society. A lack of early boundaries bloomed into an incomprehension of them. I too easily loose my sense of self in large crowds, which have almost always made me feel infinitely alone. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand what other people get out of crowds, but it’s not from a lack of trying. My best guess is that other people either don’t loose their sense of self, or they do but then enjoy being filled by the group that surrounds them. If you have any insights, I’d appreciate if you would take the time to share them.