I still do not know what exactly happened. Or, perhaps I do know what happened, but am having difficulty digesting it. It seems like I have read so many pieces on the way marginalized peoples are told their experiences are invalid, that I can’t remember any particular one. Was it Susan Brownmiller or Angela Davis or Cornel West? Or was it all of them and then some?
And, is it really that I am having trouble trying to figure out how to represent what happened, or is it that I do not want to believe it happened at all? That writing around the actual event makes it easier to soothe myself without actually confronting the anger and hostility I was already subject to once?
I do know that I have almost always had difficulty feeling safe. It’s not that I feel threatened or even scared most of the time, it’s just a complete lack of belief in solidity. At any minute I could be a foreigner. At any minute I could lose my autonomy. At any minute I could be a victim. And in the eyes of those with power, it would always be my fault.