Day 58

I have been having some difficulty distinguishing between my dreams and reality upon waking as of late. Still, I woke up this morning feeling quite good. It was as if whatever was plaguing me (probably a mild flu if the nausea and shivers last night meant anything) was finally beginning to pass.

While I was getting dressed I listened to Sarah Silverman’s interview on Fresh Air. In it, she talks about her mother’s death, and how the funeral was cathartic and unlike depression. I felt a bit alien, even though people keep telling me there’s no right way to grieve.

I remember Dad as quiet and through silence. Mom likes to entertain. She loves a full house. However, I find that when there are too many people around, my attention becomes split in a way that keeps me from focusing on anything clearly. Sometimes the distraction is nice, but there’s no way I can feel at peace in it.

The entire time I worked at REI, I was surrounded by people who talked about the importance of movement and of being in nature. I never understood the inclination until I moved to the Pacific Northwest. Even then I never had a drive to be out with nothing but the sound of the forest until now.

I do not yet know what I will do with this grief. I can’t imagine what it will become. But I will continue to try.

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