On the Unknowable

When I was trying to decide if I should take this job or stay at my old one, I considered many things. I looked at salary and obvious benefits, as well as company stability and opportunity for growth. I compared commutes and visualized the differences in job duties, trying to imagine what I might or might not be capable of. I also thought a great deal about the type of person I thought I was, and who I thought I could become. 

I worried that changing jobs would make me disloyal and ungrateful. I have never been one of those people who finds a job and stays for years. I felt that this said something very sinister about my true character. I also imagined that I was on the cusp of becoming someone who is dependable and I very much wanted to be that person. I questioned whether a job change would derail my hard work.

I agonized over this decision for weeks before I made it and about a week after. Ultimately I surrendered to trust. In each step of the process, I denied, prayed, and trusted. When I first heard about the job, when I put in my resume, before I went on both interviews, and when I got the call back, my overwhelming first reaction was a clear and decisive, “No.” Then I thought, “But why not?” I prayed for guidance and calm and trusted that what was meant to be would be.

As someone who still lives to make lists and plans, I have to say that there was no indication of the the joy this change would bring in any of my machinations. Had I had even a hint of it, the decision would have been much easier, but perhaps some decisions are meant to be hard-won.

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