Today, on the first grey day of my new job, I missed Dad. This feeling was not immediate. When I woke up I felt tired and had to remind myself of my new routine. Somewhere in the morning a sadness settled in. At lunch I was largely mute, not having the energy nor the drive to participate. By the time I was off work I felt a tightening of my throat at every street corner. It was profoundly strange.
Over the weekend I told C that I thought I’d stopped processing things, so in a way this was to be expected. But I really did not expect it to hurt. Truthfully–naively–I have been surprised at each sudden pain, new or old. I hoped wildly and passionately that foreknowledge and acceptance would insulate me entirely.
Undergrad was a difficult time, as many times are, but it was there that I stumbled upon Denizen Kane. On days like today when I begin to feel truly weighed down I think of his lyrics, “pain ain’t nothing but change.” When I think about pain as a signifier of change, it feels lighter and less urgent. This comfort gives me the momentum I need to continue on.