I did not think I would be so angry. But alas, here I am.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I have to put everyone else first. Yesterday people I don’t even know wanted to talk to me about whatever they were thinking. And I’m still not over the last day of my work and the previous week and a half where my manager continued to expect me to be someone I never was.
Sometimes I think people see me as a tabula rasa. They write whatever they want on me, and my agency disintegrates. I am tired of being polite, of being understanding, of needing to know exactly what I want and how to express that. Frankly, I’m tired of trying to be healthy and balanced. I would like very much to be able to feel however I feel without anyone needing anything from me. But when I try to tell people how I feel, mostly they just excuse other people’s behavior. They explain the other person’s intentions.
It doesn’t do any good to say that the problem is not my myopia–I understand perspectives other than my own. The problem is that I can’t heal myself in such a short time frame, and I’m not getting enough help. Quite understandably, people only want to talk about “positive” things. So I continue on in the best way I know how and hope that this angry numbness will end.