I had a pretty terrible day. I found out that the manager at the job I left actually had been upset with me since I put in my notice. I had been telling myself that she really wasn’t being passive-aggressive, and that it was all in my head. But she was and it wasn’t. I’m still having a difficult time accepting what happened, but I will. I’ll get over it, and I’ve leaned many things first-hand that will do me well in the future.
One of the things I’ve learned over and over is that my intuitions have merit–which is kind of like saying I have merit. I honestly don’t know what it’s like to not constantly doubt myself and I don’t know what I would do with the excess of energy I would have if I no longer needed to build up my confidence on an at least daily basis. Navigating society exhausts me. I don’t tend to fit in, and I don’t like how I feel when I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. As a result, I’ve gotten really okay with being on my own. I like to think I’ve also gotten pretty good at spotting people who will be true friends, which had the interesting dual effect of being able to spot people who want things from me I’m not willing to give. But just because I’m not willing to give up parts of myself doesn’t keep others from asking, either on purpose or by carelessness.
So I build up my resilience, my patience, and my strength. I remind myself that I always have the choice to act with grace and dignity. I lean heavily on the people who know me when I need them, and hope to be able to lift them up when I think they need me. And I am thankful for this life.