I took an extra long weekend to have a relapse of the stomach flu. So that was fun. On Friday the office is closed, so my last work week here has been whittled down to three days. But given my current situation that’s not so bad.
Last night I wrote Dad’s eulogy. In his obituary I all but left myself out. I felt that it was for everyone who knew him, not just family. I also wanted to avoid writing about myself in third person, which is weird because I am constantly having internal conversations in which I refer to myself by name. Go figure.
C agreed to read the eulogy during the service, which made it much easier for me to write in a personal manner. It felt good to get it out in my voice.
After Dad died, I pulled in so I could continue standing up. I needed time to process everything, because I wasn’t sure what I would find. I thought I would get that time when I got back home, but when I came back work was a mess. I am still resentful towards and disappointed in my manager and the way she handled everything in my absence. But this is something I’m already getting over, even as it still hurts. Truthfully, I think that if work had been less stressful I wouldn’t have gotten sick during these past two weeks. People keep telling me to take care of myself. I know that this is something I need to do, I just didn’t know how. In trying to take care of myself I ended up falling back on routine instead of cutting myself slack.
Last night before I wrote Dad’s eulogy, I finally talked to Mom. It felt good to know we were both sad, that we both felt a bit lost, together. She had been trying to be strong, and I had been removed by the traits I needed to survive work. But we figured out Dad’s memorial, which felt like a triumph. And I will take that.