Day Four

Mid-day today saw Mom & me sifting through Dad’s closet and dividing everything into three piles: things that fit C, things to donate, and things to keep. It felt like it took an eternity to go through everything, so when C and I dropped off all the donations in minutes I felt let down. If was as if the effort was outsized for results that were so barren. 

I have not slept well or enough for the past five nights, and I am someone who relies on sleep. I feel tired and scratchy, like an old, threadbare towel after it’s been hung out in the sun to dry. 

Last night I wrote a notification of Dad’s death for Mom. The responses all seem to warm her heart. Some have been very special to me, but even reading those, I can’t help but feel tired. I want to hear what the all the people who knew Dad in all his different roles and capacities have to say. I am eager for all stories. But just not now. Now I am working overtime to craft and stabilize this new version of life while I simultaneously sharpen and entrench everything in our past. I want to remember all the good and the bad as only I can before I invite everyone else in.

Tomorrow we are having an intimate service: Mom, me, C & a close family friend from church. I wonder what will happen. A week or so ago I told a friend that my eyes hurt from all the tears I haven’t cried. I hurt for Dad’s pain, and now that he’s no longer in it I simply can’t imagine crying. This is not to say I don’t occassionally have the impulse. I just have yet to follow through. 

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One thought on “Day Four

  1. Ruth says:

    It has been a month and a half since I lost your Uncle Lynn. It seems likes days and it seems like a lifetime. Every day is different. Some days I cry a lot. Some days I don’t cry at all. How did this happen? In April of 2014 Gaga passed and we were going to be free to do what we wanted, when we wanted. In June, all ,that changed. It is just life……and death. Every day is a step forward in my new reality. As with you, it is a process. We will survive and thrive because there is still love and hope in our lives. We are the lucky ones. Love, Aunt Tootie

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