Coming Back

Dearest reader, have you been having a good holiday? I sincerely wish that you have.

So, where do I begin?

 

Do you remember when I sent out that first batch of graduate applications? I was so tremulous. I wanted to believe in me but I hadn’t worked up the conviction. Did I tell you how much it hurt to be rejected? I cried with each rejection, but I never cried long. I set course for icy dignity, but ended up confused and unmoored. I shut the door of my heart against any dreams, but in that act I somehow invited them in.

At the very first sermon we attended of the church we now belong to, the pastor declared, “you have given up, but God has not given up on you. You have said that you can’t handle another rejection, but you don’t see that you were going it alone.” And then, I kid you not, he looked out over our section of the congregation and said, “you say, ‘I’ve been rejected from grad school, I’m not doing it again,’ but God wants you to try again.” I couldn’t breathe.

Since then I have been reluctantly coming back from the gray death of monotonous survival. I’ve taken to eating more fresh vegetables and less meat and sugar. I’ve started an exercise regimen that works the kinks out of my back and leaves me exhilarated instead of feeling punished. Mostly I’ve become attuned to my surroundings. Today I looked out one of our windows and saw a neighbor’s tree growing oranges. It was so lovely to be surprised by that bright color that hinted at the depth of the things and people that surround me.

I went on a job interview before Christmas, and in the process of the interview, the interviewer suggested that I think about graduate school. Specifically, she suggested that I think about Library Sciences. And with that, the door of my heart flew open and all of my dreams came rushing in and a light was shed that extinguished the shadowy compromises I have tried to live.

I submitted an application for a graduate program in Library Sciences today, but this time I didn’t pin all of my hopes on it and send it out into the world as if it were a beloved child being orphaned. This time I have vowed to take what there is to take and leave the rest.

 

And so, dearest reader, I hope that you had a cheerful holiday and I wish you all the best in the coming new year. Do know that whatever this new year brings, you are loved. I appreciate you. As always: thank you for your companionship.

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